Of Change, Temperament and Other manipulations

I usually get in trouble when I talk to people about change, especially when the talk is about how people have changed. See, I do not believe it is possible for a person to change at all. Not even a single bit, at least not there where it matters. Sure, one can have a life changing experience or deep insights, but that does not necessary mean he has changed along with it, too. His life has, the circumstances have, he knows something more about himself, so he needs to adjust and accumulate new behavioral patterns. Learn and adopt; recognize and control; experience and manage. This is how it works. So, there is no sugar coating the subject with me, when my friend tells me she is getting back with her ex-boyfriend, because he supposedly has changed.

In psychology there is more and more proof that a personality is what a human being comes to this world with. Helen Fisher in her book: Why him? Why her? (obviously talking about factors that make it more likely for us to fall in love with a certain person than with the other) says that more than 50% of the variations in human personality are associated with genetic factors (pg.3). Studies of identical twins have showed we inherit many traits. Like the case of Giggle twins that were separated at birth and reunited way into adulthood. Not only had they the same ways of reacting to things, they even shared the same favorite color and, as title already implies, giggled in same situations.

But I guess I am just being picky when it comes to usage of proper words. Sometimes so much I forget about the meaning altogether and I need to be reminded of the actual debate. That does not mean I have not got the meaning, I just really want to understand what they want to say. To be on the same page, so to say. I know when people say someone has changed, they talk about behavioral patterns, growing up or the way they deal with the triggers, may it be consciously or pre-consciously. A human being has two sides to Who-he-is: there is personality and temperament. Personality is defined as a cluster of thoughts and feelings that color all of person´s actions. (pg.7) The balance of personality is temperament. That is all of the biologically based tendencies we have inherited, traits that emerge early childhood to produce our consistent patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving. Philosopher Hose Ortage y Gasset explained it: I am, plus my circumstances. Temperament being the: I AM. It looks like (and whole spiritual guidance talks about it for centuries) there is a core of a human persona which predetermines how we process reality and then the rest is just things that we learn from that. The core being the unchangeable, peaceful and aware part of us.

But truly, how much can a person change? It is quite evidently that we do change. Proofs of it are lying in people next to you. We change our behavior. We assimilate. And we take much pride in that particular ability of a human being. We adjust and we grow up. All said and repeated. But the question remains. What change are we talking about, when we talk about a personality change? Is that I-no-longer-do-what-I-did-before change? Or is it I-now-understand-what-I-was-doing-wrong change? I-am-sorry change? I have heard all of those, but her ex did not stop projecting. His ex did not stop cheating. My uncle did not stop drinking. My sister did not stop making me feel incompetent. My boyfriend did not stop hurting me. I did not stop finding excuses. I do not stop building up expectations and I will be still falling in love even after this heartbreak.  When faced with a temptation, it is not our conscience that prevails, it is our temperament. So forgive me to be suspicious when you tell me you are sorry, because I know when the moment comes you´d be doing it again. Unless! Thank god there is an Unless.

The answer lays in recognition. When taking an honest look onto oneself, one can recognize the pattern and then start being conscious about it. Then, when the situation comes, one can prevent the re-action by dealing with it differently, acknowledging the possibilities and recalling the past outcomes. And yet, that is not enough. Temperament is a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. One has to decide. And one has to stick to that decision. As my dear friend says: “Not day by day, but hour per hour.” It looks like everything in life ends up on the decision bank. And even then, when the recognition-reaction process works, one has not changed. The raw and fundamental nature of one´s personality will react to things the way it knows best. The way it was taught to do, the way it was born to do. One is never on a safe side. Neither the one that acts nor the one that action is pointed at. So therein lays the true meaning of saying: Life is an endless challenge.

Change is therefore more a sign of recognition-conscious mind than an actual change in personality. What was not there to begin with can never be acquired. It can be, however learned and applied, but so easily ex-changed for something different. And that is why tastes are changed, paths are taken, opinions are made and callings found! Or as Miss Thatcher said: Watch your Thoughts for they become Words. Watch your Words for they become Actions. Watch your Actions for they become Habits. Watch your Habits for they become Character. Watch your Character for it becomes your Destiny. What we think, we become.                       

I will never claim I have changed. I grew up. I learned. I am different. I am conscious of who I am and I do my best not to follow the paths of my past actions, if the outcome was bad for me. But I am also a person that collects experiences and I throw myself in various situations, even the ones that seem dangerous and risky, because I cannot grow, if I do not learn. My Life is therefore difficult. Some even call me self destructive. But if following the safe path is what a reasonable person does, then I am glad to be called naïve and stupid. As long as no one calls me blind. When I die, I want to have no questions unanswered and no regrets collected. It´ll be hard but, hey, here I am picking myself up even after life grew bitter on me. It is after all what I make it to be. Mine.

And there is that.