This time I
was caught off guard by the Wednesday´s obligations. Days have been seeping by
like turning the pages of a children´s book. Quickly, with a rush to the finish
line. I have just read the book I have been struggling with for a year and it
left me speechless by the ideas author – a great scientist in the fields of
quantum physics – has laid on table. There is much to think about, especially
about the ending chapters dealing with quantum conscience of a human mind. It gave
me something to think about, like how we make decisions, how much are we
involved in that and how many of those taken are actually you-cannot-help-but
decisions. At some point it sounded as if there is so little in “free will”
that is actually free. Up to this point I have not yet come to a conclusion I would
like to share, but it got me thinking about helplessness and judgments.
It is true,
we are a sum of all of the experiences we have in our lives. Those make us who
we are. In fact those make up our reality, for we cannot escape the
interpretations we make upon reality we face every day. We tend to perceive reality
the way, which is most suitable to our accustomed ways of thinking. Thus, judgements are born. Reality,
after all, must coincide with the usual, the known. If it weren´t like that,
that would mean we fail to understand it properly. It would mean we live a lie.
Actually, it would mean we live in denial. It is much easier not to break one´s
head on too much thinking. After all, we can control but our own actions (do
we?) and respond intensively to the ones made upon us. Do not get me wrong, I would
love to see reality the way I want. Simply taking it the way I need it to be to
work for me, ignoring the possibility that I was wrong. I have friends who do
not bother with it at all. They think nothing of it. They are sure of how and
what they are and tend to see the Reality as a confirmation more than a
challenge or a lifelong lesson. However,
I have always been interested in knowing the Truth. What really goes on and how
it affects me, you and the society. I have always taken in consideration others´
point of view. I tried to weigh out the options and decide upon predictions of
the outcome. Well, let me tell you it is a fruitless and pointless thing to do.
I said it so many times here, that reality is what it is. Accepting it is a
better way than fighting it. However, accepting does not mean giving into it. There
is a difference, I hope you see that.
Anyways, seeing the Reality is something that I want to talk about now. Or
better yet, show it.
When I was
on Iceland studying fashion design, I took part in a Printing design course. Besides
learning all the techniques I was also looking for a subject to develop my concept
around. In the end I found two. The first one, which is still a subject in my
recent work, was inspired on aesthetics of baroque patterns. The concept was
how to deceive human mind to not being able to see what is actually going on. I
concealed the “sensitive” image into a composition that was much more powerful
than the image itself. In more than 95% cases people noticed the image only
after I showed it to them. I even sold one pattern to a company, but when I told
them what it was about, they laughed and asked me to delete certain part of it,
that made it too edgy. The other however was inspired by my own “wrong” perceiving
of reality and there is nothing more interesting to me, than my own disability,
my own victimization.
University I
studied at is an Academy of arts, covering fashion, fine arts, graphic design,
product design, dance, theatre and music. It was the latter whose deceit I fell
under. There was a performance of two music graduate students that was advertised
in every department of school. It was a concert. To be specific, concert for a
solo instrument – fagot. Now you have to understand, people never take time to
stop and read, so the author made the name of instrument really big using the
Icelandic way of pronunciation: FAGOTT. Yes, every time I passed it, I read
FAGGOT instead (for those who do not know, faggot is a pejorative term for a
homosexual person). This kept on happening for quite some time, more than a
month, until one day I stopped and took one paper with me.
So I decided
to dwell on it and develop a concept around it. I wanted to understand what was
happening and what does that say about me. Then I intended to show the subject to others too to see, if they too succumbed to that kind of misinterpretation. However, my intention was not to mislead people
or point fingers. Rather I wanted to exploit it and use it in a comic way. I decided
to stay in advertising area. The clear subjects were misspelling and judgment, the
one that laid underneath were human tendency to misinterpret and insult. I took
a photo of me, rendered it in halftone
technique and added FAGOTT underneath. On the top I added the logo of National
Literacy Trust to make the subject matter more poignant, meaning: "You have to know how to spell first to insult me properly!" Then I printed it on a
t-shirt and wore
it. You can see the print if you scroll down.
I asked
myself then: would people recognize the mistake? If yes, what would that mean? That they know how to spell? Would that also make my advertisement good? Would their “judgment” base on connecting the image with my presence? However, if not, would it prove my point, that people see what they want to see? The obvious more
than the subtle? Would their “judgment” base on bias with no time taken to really
see? Would it mean they accept what is given and interpret what they see so
that it confirms their reality? Let me tell you, I came to no conclusions in
the end. I did not even ask them how they see it; I only accepted their
comments, when and if given. Most of them found it hilarious how I made fun of myslef, thinking I wrote FAGGOT. When I pointed out the mistake, they no longer found it funny. They fell silent instead and said it was really interesting. Still a little bit funny, though.
It became clear to me, that it is not my calling to show people how they are, because I am no different. There is also no need for me to understand them, because I am the same. Instead, when I get the chance to get a glimpse into human nature, I like to make use of it and make something creative from it. No judgement, no teaching. Simply adoration of that what makes us the way we are. And if, time to time, I actually manage to stimulate someone´s mindflow, nomatter if positive or negative, then I am happy.
In the end, however, if there was any point in my little project, it was that it simply proved I am
visibly gay.
So there
is that!
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