Of shame, sefishness and other objects embedded in our brain.

First I would like to apologize for posting this late in the week. There were some weird tiny creatures sweeping the valley that coined me to my bed. I honestly did not feel like writing anything at all. What I did, however, was watching Community - all the seasons; 3 of them to be precise.  Needless to say, I loved the show. I haven´t given it a chance before, but I am pretty sure you all know of it already, so I do not want to spend any time on its premise and meta-humor it uses. I came to realize there is a pattern pervading my life. I usually get to know new stuff (to me) long after everybody else have got over the hype already. In a way I am like the MEME character Slowpoke, who seems to suffer the same condition. I actually do not mind being like that at all. I like to let things enter my life when they do, instead of constantly following trends of what is going on right now. There is so much information that I find useless on internet and so many shows that never reach the level of intelligence I like to be intrigued by or music that is plain simple copy paste sex sales attitude assemblage that I do wholeheartedly cherish the oblivion I live in sometimes.

However, there was something exclusively rare in Community that moved me, what other sitcoms tend to ignore. There was a moment of insight without any hint of sarcasm, irony or auto irony that I generally love. There was an insight that moved me so much, I had to stop and re-watch it 3 times just so that I could write down the monologue Jeff (a self-obsessed smartass character in it) had. It spoke to me about connection. A Connection to oneself rather than to each other.

Context of a story is such:  Blade is a guy the girl named Britta was once with. The relationship was sickened by his disregard for her feelings and him being selfish. He did not care and she cared too much. He did what he wanted and she, even though she was hurt, always returned to him. So it happened after many years he got back into town, working in a carnival and Jeff, wanted to know what makes that guy so irresistible to women. The transcript goes like this:

-Jeff, what are you doing here?

-I just got back from the carnival...Where I met Blade.

-Is he okay? How is he?

-He's brain damaged.

-Well, let's not be petty.

-No, I'm serious. He showed me the scar. Ten years ago, before he even met you, a loose bolt flew off a Ferris wheel and imbedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain that feels shame. He's basically irresistible to people for the same reason he can pretty much only work at a carnival. He has nothing to prove or disprove about himself or to himself. He has no shame.

-Why wouldn't he have told me that?

-Because he didn't care, if you knew.

-That is so like him. I have to go to him.

-No, woman. None of us have to "go to" anyone. And the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

There are three things that caught my attention here: shame, need and self hatred. The subject is clearly the realm of romantic involvement of two people. The one that is engaged in the situation with whole emotional specter (even obsession) and the other one that seems impervious to that affection or is unable to reflect on his own actions. There is no taking side to this scenario. They both walk on the thin line of being emotionally unstable; however, tell me who is emotionally stable when in love. Being in love, by its very definition is easily regarded as a mild version of craziness. One loses perspective, obsesses over someone and creates countless scenarios, thus losing the touch with reality.

What I am asking myself here is why that need to “go to” the person of interest, when love is not mutually exchanged? It is easy for us to judge him/her for being shamelessly selfish. Mostly we are all selfish, placing fulfillment of our needs before others. That is natural, some say even genetic. As long as it is not so self centered that we do not care anymore how we affect others by being selfish, I would call that selfishness healthy. To openly state what we wish, need, anticipate or hope for evolves in a conversation when both parties learn of their compatibilities. The other party still has an option of refusing the wanted, wished or hoped for, thus opening a discussion that would lead to a compromise, if they are ready to make it. Stubbornness has no place in love affairs or affairs in general. One needs to listen too. But what happens, if you end up with a person that does not share what goes inside, what the expectations are, that never tells his wishes or hopes? What happens when they act on their own, not considering you and all that under the pretence of not wanting to be selfish or simply not caring?

Every self respectful person would turn around and go. What then makes us, love suckers, to reach out? Is it the need to understand? Or is it the need in general? What a difference does the knowing bring, when we get to know the unpleasant truth, but still do not walk away? Hope? Is that obsession? It must be. Being in love is like being obsessed. It is a simple projection of one´s expectations on the object of his affection. Love is blind.

Or is that perpetuation in suffering only a symptom for self hatred? Maybe a lack of self love would be a better expression.  Do we not possess that necessary minimum of self love to realize when the situation is hurting us? If we do not meet the common ground on which to build a relationship, why do we stick around? The reasons might be considered childish, insane, needy, wrong, hateful or whatever, but we can meet a person to which those precise reasons are sane ones. We can meet that one who shares the same vision of togetherness. If we do not meet in there, there is no reason for us to stay.

In my opinion labeling someone as shameless, needy or suffering under self hatred is subjective, appropriate for describing that particular situation. Call me hopeless idealist, but I am convinced that everyone can find someone that shares same vision. Shameless, needy or self hating, which I am not saying is healthy, but it can function, too.  All we can do is realize what we are, what we want and shamelessly say that out loud. True, we become vulnerable in doing so, someone could even call us selfish. To me, the quiet kind, if not having an embedded piece of metal in the part of brain that feels shame, is more selfish than the one that speaks.  We are humans that developed speech, we should use it. Even though communication is flawed and over flooded with obstacles of misunderstanding that should not be a sufficient reason to disregard it completely.

I recently went through that kind of situation from which I am still recovering. I admit, I went too deep too quickly, but I have not lost the touch with reality. What I lost was self worth. There still are moments when I have a hard time recognizing myself. I adopted patterns I never thought I would have them. I experienced shame in being the way I am. I felt guilt for doing the things I did. And I was embarrassed for feeling the way I still do. Hell, I love. But I realized, the moment we become ashamed of being foolishly in love, we cease to be humane. The moment we avoid being vulnerable, we become fearful machines. And the moment we stop sharing our hopes and desires is the moment when we stop building up a society. So I say, be foolish, be vulnerable, say what you want and for god´s sake, manage that little bit of self love to realize when to walk away. For it is in that precise action that we show self worth that gives us strength to be foolish, vulnerable and eventually not have the reason to walk away anymore.

And there is that.