Of the woulda, shoulda and all the stuff we never do.

If the world had indeed ended on friday, I would have ran to the top of the mountain that peaks through this cloudy layer in the morning and watch the final sunrise. I would have meditated in silence looking back on my life. I would have thought about the people I'd met. I would have sent them love and tried to feel them, the way I do, when they sit next to me. I would have given them thanks for being a part of my reality. I would have  picked my phone and told you I am still in love with you. I would have laughed at my unability to recover from the hurt I feel even after one year has passed since you broke my heart. I would embraced the love I felt and cherished the gift you gave. I would then called and said sorry to anyone I feel obliged to say so. I would have felt gratitude I was able to get through all these years without knowing what real pain is. I would have thought about my mother and the emptiness she left behind when she pased away. I would have then returned from the mountain singing the songs I love and wondered, how it would have been, if I had persued a singing careeer. I would reenter my house and made myself a great breakfast. I would have greeted my father with a hug and let him know he couldn't have done a better job filling the void left by my mother and taking better care of me. I would have said thanks to him that he stood by me even though I have not mounted to very much up to this date. I would have smiled at the wish to become important part of designers' scene and felt accomplishment in the tiny gestures that had made some stranger's day. I would have praised the willingness to make things happen and adored the capability to decide to sleep in whole day and making nothing at all. I would have then go and have my regular tea in my favorite bar.  I would have given thanks to their kind service. I would have gone home and greeted people with a smile and once home, I would have made myself something nice to wear. I would have looked in the mirror and said: »You look fine, Dejan!« I would have laughed at myself for wasting so much time to get in a better shape. I would have felt regret for so many NO's I said to people who wanted to be with me in spite of that. Then I would go to Her and hold Her hand, I would have told Her for the first time outloud, that I love Her and we would have sat down still holding hands, staring into each other's eyes reasuring that everything is going to be ok. We would have closed our eyes and wait in silence. I would have felt my heartbeat, followed the sound of my breath, focused on nothing and let regret I'd felt before dissolve to the feeling that I have lived my life the way I did, for it couldn't be anything else than the life it was. If it had been different, it would not have been mine. I would then realised that in spite of hurt, in spite of  disappointment and in spite of unachieved goals that I was a happy person, lucky enough to have touched and was touched by others. I would have found my peace in knowing I couldn't have done it any other way. I was alive and for a short period of time I got to know a little bit more about myself, about world and people in it. I would have then fall deep inside into myself, shutting out the world, the noise, the tremble, the  fire, the screams, the burns, the fear and I would have let myself go, feel the only two things that make life bearable. Trust in the outcome and love for each other. And with that, I would have then opened my eyes and realised nothing has happened to the world and everything happened to me. The end as an astronomical occurence has not taken place. The world that ended, had done that in silence. It ceased with a big thump. It tore appart in connectivity. 

The world that ended is not the world we live in. It is the world we lived in a moment ago. The world ends everyday, with very passing moment. The physical one might seem the same, but that is just an illusion. Entropy always increases and new energy cannot be created. World we call ours is ephemeral, it is not the rock that evolves around the Sun. The world we call ours is inside of us, it is among us. It is the space we feel separated by and it grows bigger, sadly.

I am not a dreamer and I surely am not an idealist. I know how humans thrive on selfish needs. I do not want to preach about how we are supposed to live our lives, I am the same as everyone else. But now and then in our lives, those moments occur, the moments when fear sneaks into our thoughts, about the »what if« and the »when«. In those moments soaked with reality of passing we become aware of what we are and what we do. So, it is them that sober us up. I remember one philosopher saying: »If we carried the imminent presence of death with us all the time, we would live a perfect life.« Science might have shown us that it holds the key to knowing when The End is NOT going to happen, but it is in us to know that it might. It is up to us to accept that it will. Not in »when«, but in »what if«. And instead of feeling depresingly powerless to avoid it, we should feel empowered to embrace it and live the day as if it was our last. You see, the fear is not our enemy, the comfort is. 

And there is that.  

          

Of abilities, decisions and other misconceptions of love.

I wanted to talk about misinterpretations and taking responsibility for interpretations others make of us. Well, I changed my mind. I do not want to sound grim or defensive. There will be time for that when emotions subside and situations grow colder. Instead I have something more festive to talk about, Love. Yup, love again. But you have to admit, that is the sole subject that can never be discussed enough, plus it always invites people's dreamy expression on their faces. And how could one ignore that happiness? 

So many of you have asked me privately, what was going on with me and my status updates/reports on Facebook. Why the culinary titles of my insights as pieces of beef? Well, it started as simple posting of the excerpts from my conversations with my new found (and lost) love interest, but it soon became something more, a project. I will not describe it yet, but it has a point. However, it slowly moved from what is on the outside into inner perceptions. My beef, my love, my rules, my decisions!

I know I have been talking about love on two or more occasions. I was somehow detached from the subject matter, though. This is actually what I am trying to do here. To take things from my private life and lift myself above it to get the better perspective of how I think things work. This time, I am personal. Not because I have any secret agenda. No, this time I am personal, because the message could not be more insightful to me. Let me explain.