Of abilities, decisions and other misconceptions of love.

I wanted to talk about misinterpretations and taking responsibility for interpretations others make of us. Well, I changed my mind. I do not want to sound grim or defensive. There will be time for that when emotions subside and situations grow colder. Instead I have something more festive to talk about, Love. Yup, love again. But you have to admit, that is the sole subject that can never be discussed enough, plus it always invites people's dreamy expression on their faces. And how could one ignore that happiness? 

So many of you have asked me privately, what was going on with me and my status updates/reports on Facebook. Why the culinary titles of my insights as pieces of beef? Well, it started as simple posting of the excerpts from my conversations with my new found (and lost) love interest, but it soon became something more, a project. I will not describe it yet, but it has a point. However, it slowly moved from what is on the outside into inner perceptions. My beef, my love, my rules, my decisions!

I know I have been talking about love on two or more occasions. I was somehow detached from the subject matter, though. This is actually what I am trying to do here. To take things from my private life and lift myself above it to get the better perspective of how I think things work. This time, I am personal. Not because I have any secret agenda. No, this time I am personal, because the message could not be more insightful to me. Let me explain.

Of talking, listening and the importance of being silent

When I was 20 something and living in Ljubljana, I got into a dispute with my landlady. In the heat of the moment I must have said some really mean stuff to her, because what she said then in a very calm and soothing voice still echoes in my mind. “You’ll see, that tongue of yours will hit you in your life!” I did not know what she meant then so I simply grinned at her disbelievingly.

When I was a kid, I had a similar experience. I remember it was Sunday. I know that, because Sundays were the only days that the whole family sat down and had a family Sunday lunch together. We had the traditional meat soup, followed by mashed potatoes and cooked meat from soup - a true peasant’s lunch. Somehow I got upset with my mom and again in the heat of the moment I called her “a goat” (in Slovenian language that is quite an insult). She just looked at me and said: “You know, if you hit me, the pain will go away, but words, they stay. You can never take them back!” One would’ve thought, I’d learned back then. Obviously I had not. It is easy to lose the perspective, when one is overwhelmed with emotion.

The pain we feel after the words have been said come from regret that we hurt people we love the most. Remorse is then futile. One cannot take words back. No matter how un-meant they were, no matter how un-true they were, no matter how un-anything they were. Any explanation looks like a cheap excuse. No “I am sorry” can ctrl+Z it. Words were thought, said and received. They were then taken, interpreted and became a catalyst of physical manifestation called emotion. Sure, my mom has forgiven me; sure my landlady did so, too. Or maybe she simply forgot that awful boy that caused her pain. No matter how justified those words seemed to me at that moment, in the aftermath I felt terrible. I felt ashamed and I felt sad that people, who allowed me to be even a smallest part of their life, were hurt only because I was angry, dissatisfied, unfulfilled and childish.

That got me thinking. It is not the words that we say that are the problem. The problem seems to be rooted in a previous state of the conversation. Once emotions overflow us barriers are already lifted and the tsunami like wave of destruction has been released. In order not to succumb to it, one has to listen first. One needs to keep the calm inside and listen. That is how I learnt the importance of being silent. Let me explain.