Of unpredictability, tuning in and other reasons for my absence.

Life is unpredictable. That, I know. Life is random. Of that, I am sure. Life is a gift. That, I comprehend. Life is challenging. Of that, I am proof. Life is a journey.  That, I experience. Life is purposeless. That, I love.  Life is not mine to have or share. That, I am learning. But MY life is different. It is mine. And it might be unpredictable, it might be random, a gift and challenging. It might be a journey and purposeless and not mine to have or share. Yet I cannot get rid of the feeling it has a sense of direction, pointing forward to the next appointed moment. And even though that single moment is the sole thing I will ever be a part of, they all merge into seamless woven band creating the sense of passing through a Reason. I know within myself, I am not only convinced of that, we people find purpose in littlest things. This comes from the need to feel secure, but it talks about distrust. I wrote in one of my blog entries about taking the jump, others call it the leap of faith. It is when we fall, that we actually become still. We accelerate, when we feel the effect of gravity. And we do feel it all the time. We are standing on the ground, aren´t we? So when we are falling, we stop moving. We let the Earth move towards us, eventually leading to the smashing end. But I am not talking suicide here. I am using a metaphor from a physical state of fact. To trust and jump into a freefall, figuratively.

Of free will, smart brain and other undignified lazy days.

Remember how I like to say “life just happens”? Good for you, because I tend to forget it, especially in times, when everything seems to tumble downwards in a slow-mo. On days like that, I like to stay curled up in bed with only one arm sticking out scrolling down on 9gag or Facebook and feeling a certain sense of accomplishment, if I “like” and “comment” the stuff others do. It is like I am doing a good selfless work by noticing their effort.

Actually, it is not that I forgot about it. More, I choose to ignore it. I seem to not being able to will myself out of bed. Not being able to will a different action my brain sees as a solution. No matter how strong the reasons might be, no matter how logic and to the ground they are, I just do not want to succumb to it. It feels as if I am having a smarter version of myself inside who, like on court, presents me with evidence that support the suggestion. What a fruitless job it has indeed, for I already know I will shush it and do as pleased, always supporting my reasons to continue to feel miserable. Ego needs that sometimes. Sometimes, I say!

My yogi master says: “It is the way it is. Accept it and go on!", but my father has way greater response to those occasional complaints about how much life sucks sometimes. He says: “Dejan, life is just what you make it!” And I hate it when he does that. It hurts because he is right.

It is true. Life is what we make it. Not the emotional connotations, but the factual description of a given situation. Life is our actions. We make our life, life does not make us. Of course, sometimes we are forced to act a certain way, because situations demand that from us. What is more, we are placed into a System in which certain behavioral ways are expected. We cannot always do what we want. But I am not talking about those situations. I am talking about situations we create with actions that are based exclusively on our own decision making. On our free will.