Of quantum entanglement, memories and other connections that cause our future.

I will be short this week. There is a lot going on and honestly I didn´t have much time left to think and read and surely I do not have enough of it now to expand on things that happened. But if I look back on last week, I could say, it has been reeking of the past. Maybe reeking is a wrong word to use, but we all know how past can be haunting and sometimes “reek” is the only word capable of describing its emotional impact. It grasps the smell of regret and sorrow, weeping over years long gone, that remind us of growing old. Inevitably reaching the ending point we all are destined to meet. But sometimes, past can be fun to think of, bringing joy and sweet remembrance of the things that made this life worth living. However, sometimes these exact things can cause the previously mentioned bunch of “bad stuff”. May it be the latter or the first, one thing is undeniable. Past is long gone and it only exist in our memory. And this is what I got curious to talk about.

I am not interested in memory as such. We all know what it is. We all have it. For some it would be better to selectively forget it, for some that are suffering from its loss, the only wish is to regain it. Memory has this special sadistic personality to itself. It initiates a chain reaction of whatever one recalls. Once it starts, it is like Pandora´s box that should never have been opened in the first place. Memories of memories resurfacing one after another and sometimes even all at once. It would all be great, if the memories were nice, ironically this mostly happens, when one remembers embarrassment; something one pushes back, in order to forget. Then, it takes a great disciplinary act to shut it down. I found it helps, if I say LA-LA-LA aloud. This shoves them off quite successfully.

You can only imagine what kind of memories would be flashing through my mind, if I told you I had my class reunion last Saturday. Well, you would guess wrong. I was amazed how things that once put distance between us, were the exact things that brought us closer over time and space. What I found amazing was, that memory is the only real connection we will ever have. And I had one of the best times of my life. 

Of free will, smart brain and other undignified lazy days.

Remember how I like to say “life just happens”? Good for you, because I tend to forget it, especially in times, when everything seems to tumble downwards in a slow-mo. On days like that, I like to stay curled up in bed with only one arm sticking out scrolling down on 9gag or Facebook and feeling a certain sense of accomplishment, if I “like” and “comment” the stuff others do. It is like I am doing a good selfless work by noticing their effort.

Actually, it is not that I forgot about it. More, I choose to ignore it. I seem to not being able to will myself out of bed. Not being able to will a different action my brain sees as a solution. No matter how strong the reasons might be, no matter how logic and to the ground they are, I just do not want to succumb to it. It feels as if I am having a smarter version of myself inside who, like on court, presents me with evidence that support the suggestion. What a fruitless job it has indeed, for I already know I will shush it and do as pleased, always supporting my reasons to continue to feel miserable. Ego needs that sometimes. Sometimes, I say!

My yogi master says: “It is the way it is. Accept it and go on!", but my father has way greater response to those occasional complaints about how much life sucks sometimes. He says: “Dejan, life is just what you make it!” And I hate it when he does that. It hurts because he is right.

It is true. Life is what we make it. Not the emotional connotations, but the factual description of a given situation. Life is our actions. We make our life, life does not make us. Of course, sometimes we are forced to act a certain way, because situations demand that from us. What is more, we are placed into a System in which certain behavioral ways are expected. We cannot always do what we want. But I am not talking about those situations. I am talking about situations we create with actions that are based exclusively on our own decision making. On our free will.

Of misinterpretation, judgement and other fragments of my projects

This time I was caught off guard by the Wednesday´s obligations. Days have been seeping by like turning the pages of a children´s book. Quickly, with a rush to the finish line. I have just read the book I have been struggling with for a year and it left me speechless by the ideas author – a great scientist in the fields of quantum physics – has laid on table. There is much to think about, especially about the ending chapters dealing with quantum conscience of a human mind. It gave me something to think about, like how we make decisions, how much are we involved in that and how many of those taken are actually you-cannot-help-but decisions. At some point it sounded as if there is so little in “free will” that is actually free. Up to this point I have not yet come to a conclusion I would like to share, but it got me thinking about helplessness and judgments.

It is true, we are a sum of all of the experiences we have in our lives. Those make us who we are. In fact those make up our reality, for we cannot escape the interpretations we make upon reality we face every day. We tend to perceive reality the way, which is most suitable to our accustomed ways of thinking. Thus, judgements are born. Reality, after all, must coincide with the usual, the known. If it weren´t like that, that would mean we fail to understand it properly. It would mean we live a lie. Actually, it would mean we live in denial. It is much easier not to break one´s head on too much thinking. After all, we can control but our own actions (do we?) and respond intensively to the ones made upon us. Do not get me wrong, I would love to see reality the way I want. Simply taking it the way I need it to be to work for me, ignoring the possibility that I was wrong. I have friends who do not bother with it at all. They think nothing of it. They are sure of how and what they are and tend to see the Reality as a confirmation more than a challenge or a lifelong lesson.  However, I have always been interested in knowing the Truth. What really goes on and how it affects me, you and the society. I have always taken in consideration others´ point of view. I tried to weigh out the options and decide upon predictions of the outcome. Well, let me tell you it is a fruitless and pointless thing to do. I said it so many times here, that reality is what it is. Accepting it is a better way than fighting it. However, accepting does not mean giving into it. There is a difference, I hope you see that.  Anyways, seeing the Reality is something that I want to talk about now. Or better yet, show it.

Of charge, touch and other dreadful impossibilities.

Yesterday I found a file from my first computer. I still remember buying it and the anticipation of the delivery afterwards.  I can recall the excitement I felt when I plugged it in and the rattle of the vent accompanied by loud scratching of the needle in the hard disk. I remember thinking about all the things I would do with it. Mostly it was digitalizing the stuff I wrote by hand in my notebooks. That was actually the sole reason used, when I tried to persuade my father to buy it. “Everyone has it!” “I need it for school!” “I am tired of always waiting in line for my turn in school!” Eventually he saw into my reasoning and gave in. And, I did write a lot. There were many stories I started, but never finished. Countless songs, lyrics and poems among other stuff. When I switched to using a laptop, I put that entire unfinished opus in one file titled: Opus infinitum. It was that file I discovered and decided to take a look inside. What I found were diary entries, three novels (one of which still looks promising) and various thoughts on different subjects. I guess I always had it in me - this kind of writing, with only one difference. I did it in Slovene and wrote with naïve passion full of blame and sorrow. I guess I am still like that, only now I successfully hide that naïve passion and blame under pretentious knowledge with passive aggressive tone to it. I blame Alanis Morissette for that. 

In those files there was one Word file titled: We are never together. I decided to read it. Your God was it pathetic. It had some interesting points of observation to it, but mostly it was soaked with nihilism. You are right to imagine it was about relationships and love. I checked the date. I was 18 at the time. I realized I was writing about my first love, my first boy crush. The one that made it quite clear to me I was gay. From that point on it was pointless for me to hide behind the “cool” reasons, when I had to explain, why I had been without a girlfriend. You wouldn´t believe what kind of explanations I came up with just to erase the suspicion, quite unsuccessfully to be honest. However, this is not the topic I want to talk about. I believe my coming out story would be of no interest for you. I chose to start with this entry, because science that I read and use now in my work confirmed the sappy theory about people never being together. We truly are not. And here it is why.

Of change (pt.2), entropy and other failed satisfactions.

Last week I elaborated on change, particularly human capability to change. I made the conclusion about that clear (at least what I think of it), but the talk is far from over. Change is a powerful subject, one of my favorites to be honest. The word change carries the very essence of what gives hope its meaning. It quite shamelessly points out our discomfort when it comes to stability, or let me rephrase it, perpetuation. I consciously chose an emotionally indifferent word that could describe any situation. May it be positive or negative we simply want things to change, hopefully for the better. We get fed up so easily and so fast turning our heads around looking for a better thing to come along, especially when we are caught up in troublesome situation. It is out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new attitude that drives us. 

As it is everything that I write here inspired by what goes on in my or someone else´s life, so it happens that change lately pervades most of the topics I have with my friends. I guess there must be something in the air or maybe it is just the fact we reached that age when we ask ourselves what is going on and reflect on life we led up to this very point, remembering the visions we had when we were 20 and evaluating current manifestations. More and more of my friends complain that their life has come to a halt. Nothing seems to move forward. Everything stays the same. They feel as if some grand master pressed the pause button and wants them to observe the frozen picture on the screen. To see what precisely? What is there to see that one has not already seen? It is, after all, them who lead their life consciously; no one can tell them what else is there. And, is it really true that life stopped even though they feel life stepped into purgatorial state?