Yesterday I
found a file from my first computer. I still remember buying it and the anticipation
of the delivery afterwards. I can recall
the excitement I felt when I plugged it in and the rattle of the vent accompanied
by loud scratching of the needle in the hard disk. I remember thinking about
all the things I would do with it. Mostly it was digitalizing the stuff I wrote
by hand in my notebooks. That was actually the sole reason used, when I tried
to persuade my father to buy it. “Everyone has it!” “I need it for school!” “I
am tired of always waiting in line for my turn in school!” Eventually he saw
into my reasoning and gave in. And, I did write a lot. There were many stories
I started, but never finished. Countless songs, lyrics and poems among other
stuff. When I switched to using a laptop, I put that entire unfinished opus in
one file titled: Opus infinitum. It
was that file I discovered and decided to take a look inside. What I found were
diary entries, three novels (one of which still looks promising) and various
thoughts on different subjects. I guess I always had it in me - this kind of
writing, with only one difference. I did it in Slovene and wrote with naïve
passion full of blame and sorrow. I guess I am still like that, only now I successfully
hide that naïve passion and blame under pretentious knowledge with passive
aggressive tone to it. I blame Alanis Morissette for that.
In those
files there was one Word file titled: We
are never together. I decided to read it. Your God was it pathetic. It had
some interesting points of observation to it, but mostly it was soaked with
nihilism. You are right to imagine it was about relationships and love. I
checked the date. I was 18 at the time. I realized I was writing about my first
love, my first boy crush. The one that made it quite clear to me I was gay.
From that point on it was pointless for me to hide behind the “cool” reasons,
when I had to explain, why I had been without a girlfriend. You wouldn´t
believe what kind of explanations I came up with just to erase the suspicion,
quite unsuccessfully to be honest. However, this is not the topic I want to
talk about. I believe my coming out story would be of no interest for you. I
chose to start with this entry, because science that I read and use now in my work
confirmed the sappy theory about people never being together. We truly are not.
And here it is why.
