Of unpredictability, tuning in and other reasons for my absence.

Life is unpredictable. That, I know. Life is random. Of that, I am sure. Life is a gift. That, I comprehend. Life is challenging. Of that, I am proof. Life is a journey.  That, I experience. Life is purposeless. That, I love.  Life is not mine to have or share. That, I am learning. But MY life is different. It is mine. And it might be unpredictable, it might be random, a gift and challenging. It might be a journey and purposeless and not mine to have or share. Yet I cannot get rid of the feeling it has a sense of direction, pointing forward to the next appointed moment. And even though that single moment is the sole thing I will ever be a part of, they all merge into seamless woven band creating the sense of passing through a Reason. I know within myself, I am not only convinced of that, we people find purpose in littlest things. This comes from the need to feel secure, but it talks about distrust. I wrote in one of my blog entries about taking the jump, others call it the leap of faith. It is when we fall, that we actually become still. We accelerate, when we feel the effect of gravity. And we do feel it all the time. We are standing on the ground, aren´t we? So when we are falling, we stop moving. We let the Earth move towards us, eventually leading to the smashing end. But I am not talking suicide here. I am using a metaphor from a physical state of fact. To trust and jump into a freefall, figuratively.

So it happened that in the beginning of last summer I stopped writing my blog entries in order to focus on another part of my life that needed writing more, my thesis. That wasn´t something I had planned. Actually I decided to do it while having lunch with one of my dear friends and then I blindly pursued it. I graduated, but life didn´t stop there. Yes, that was a great milestone for me, especially once you know I dragged that thesis along for a long, long time. Yet, on that day I decided to go for it, I also found out it was the last day for the application to be handed in. Coincidence or fate? If had been one day late, I would have needed to pay for it, but this way I saved 500 Euros. Carefully guiding arm of God?  And I also found out, if I wanted to continue my study, that would be the same week to appy for it. It all seemed that someone somewhere was pushing me along this path. So I did it. I applied for my PhD in textile design. And that was another reason for further negligence of this blog. 

In the mean time the company, rather a philosophy, I was building for past few years, has finally reached a listening ear. I was joined with a great designer into this artistic movement we than named TheCollective and the idea was so appealing to someone that he invested money in it. That too happened in the same week. Blessed? So now we are doing our first project, dealing with fashion and then we have other three planned, each covering a different area of creativity. Conceptual installation, fashion performance and just plain fashion show. But we are not just that. We want to bring people together that have something or anything to say. That is our calling. And behind it all, there is the need and necessity to get rid of your own ego and let creativity thrive on itself. We believe we are mere transmitters, we do not own our talents.

So here I am. After four months (or was it five) on a path that does not collide with the one I had six months ago. All it took was 1 week. No, 1 moment, that set a completely different course for me and the funny part is, I do not feel I abandoned my previous dreams at all. Rather it feels as if that dream was false, or is for the time being, put on hold. I am happy, that is all I can say. I am truly happy. I do not know what will come out of it, but I have a great feeling about it. I trust it. More so, I trust myself. If it will happen that I will be cashless or this movement won´t reach its potential, so be it. I tried. But of what I am sure the most is, I will not be disappointed. How could I be? It feels like it was not my decision, it was not my path, it was not something I planed, so I built no expectations. I merely followed it. And weirdly enough, it feels to be the right thing. The thing I have been looking for without even knowing.

So what do I say that was? What definition I pin on it? What was that week that spun my life from one direction to another? I explained it many times here, I do not believe in destiny. I also have hard time believing in God that has time to plan things especially for me. I definitely do not believe in luck, because its definition is based on a low possibility of statistically possible events. They are still possible, just rarely. That makes them exceptional, but not impossible. So luck for me is just another event, no more important than any other event. Like me lying down to sleep. 

However, I have found one word how to call it. I define this as being tuned in with universe. Let me explain. On the microscopic level, on the level of singular atoms, one can foresee the next arrangement of atoms by simply taking into consideration their momentum. And so the next one. And so the next one. If one would, then, be able to know the vast infinity of all the atoms in the universe with their momentums, one could basically predict the future. Thank god it does not work like that. However, it got me thinking. Since all matter is basically built from the same energy, no difference whatsoever, who is to say we are excluded from this field of energy. The limits we feel, the exclusion from the surroundings, are built up by our five senses. That was a discovery made by Alan Aspect in 1982 in the Institute for applied physics and theoretical optics in Paris. His team found out the space is non-local and undefined. He reasoned we are all a part of Energy Ocean and nothing separates us from everything else. All matter is build from the same energy packets. And here is the thing. This locality of space, this separateness is an illusion, where in fact we are all tuned in on the momentums of everything else. I like to think that from here comes intuition. And we all know how smartass people like to give those advices, like “follow your heart” or “follow your intuition”. It is not following actually, it is letting go. It is letting it happen and get rid of control over what you think you want. No one knows what one wants. We are here to discover it. And we can only trust we will get there. In the mean time, the only thing we need to do is, be happy, because, if we do not take pleasure in things we do (be whatever it might be as long as it comes from sane and healthy mind) what is the point in doing them? And who is to blame for doing those things? Destiny? God? People that asked us to? Well, we first need to realize, that even by doing something selfishly pleasurable, we are doing good for others as well. And we are responsible for that, hence we cannot blame anyone.  Not even our selves. So forget destiny or purpose-ness of moments. There are none. There is only one thing. To simply tune yourself in with the Universe from the peaceful and focused mind with the trust it will all work out in the end. And if it does not? What can one do about it!

But it will!

And there is that.