Of unpredictability, tuning in and other reasons for my absence.

Life is unpredictable. That, I know. Life is random. Of that, I am sure. Life is a gift. That, I comprehend. Life is challenging. Of that, I am proof. Life is a journey.  That, I experience. Life is purposeless. That, I love.  Life is not mine to have or share. That, I am learning. But MY life is different. It is mine. And it might be unpredictable, it might be random, a gift and challenging. It might be a journey and purposeless and not mine to have or share. Yet I cannot get rid of the feeling it has a sense of direction, pointing forward to the next appointed moment. And even though that single moment is the sole thing I will ever be a part of, they all merge into seamless woven band creating the sense of passing through a Reason. I know within myself, I am not only convinced of that, we people find purpose in littlest things. This comes from the need to feel secure, but it talks about distrust. I wrote in one of my blog entries about taking the jump, others call it the leap of faith. It is when we fall, that we actually become still. We accelerate, when we feel the effect of gravity. And we do feel it all the time. We are standing on the ground, aren´t we? So when we are falling, we stop moving. We let the Earth move towards us, eventually leading to the smashing end. But I am not talking suicide here. I am using a metaphor from a physical state of fact. To trust and jump into a freefall, figuratively.

Of unpredictability, probability and other abilites

My friend once told me a wise line: Worry about the stuff you can control. I was in a state where I tried to surf my way through life, trying to push situations so that their outcome would be beneficial for me. I tried too hard sometimes, bringing myself to experience powerlessness and confusion. His words struck me. Not only because it was a revelation I´d known of before and not followed it, but because he was right there saying it with such ease and he was 19. He still remains one of the most down to earth people in my life.

I immediately stopped what I was doing. It was surprising how easily I just let go of the situation and let Life take its course. For that is precisely what that is. Life.  When I remember it now, I recall the situation surrounded with friction. In that instant I realized I was trying to squeeze a camel through needle´s ear. I knew I was pushing it, but I needed to hear it too. So, it got me thinking then, how much of our life we have control over. We humans, we are control freaks. We have those dreams, wishes, ambitions and visions of how our life should turn out like. We act upon those and lots of times we struggle, experiencing loss of faith in ourselves and that, by itself, is already a turn downwards on to the path of self doubt. I was there and I found huge relief in realization there is not a single Thing I can control. It all succumbs to the law of unpredictability.