Summer has
arrived. Finally! It is 35 degrees in shadows and somewhere around 40 in my
room, where I keep the iron running in order to guarantee impeccable garments. It
has been strange, this year, so far. The usual transitions between seasons were
blurred with weather´s strange behavior. Summer, spring and autumn have all
been mixed together from February on. Now summer is here, however spring has
been kind of missing. Not so much in the weather-like sense, as in the
awakening of body and soul that accompanies it. Normally in spring I get all
fired up with energy and when I see trees bloom I start to bloom within myself
as well. I fall in love with Life. This year, the grey and the cold rain made
me less open to emotionally glow. On the opposite, I was quite bitter and with
energy level so low that I thought sometimes I would not survive the day.
It happened
to me this week that a certain feeling was evoked in me. A feeling long
forgotten. Actually, a feeling missed. I felt, as if I was in love. Pheromones,
hormones, basic horniness...call it whatever, it was there and it still keeps
in going. So I started to think about it. About love. Not only love for a
particular person, but love, you know, the omnipresent one. The one we all like
to talk about, but mix it the former one. I gave it a thought, deciding if I should
write about this subject I have been avoiding for some time, although, I believe
it has always subliminally underlined every sentence I wrote since the
beginning. So I sat down and started to read a book I just bought titled: “Celebration
of silence” by his holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Since I do not believe in
destiny, I shall call it a purposeful coincidence,
be as it may, I opened it on the pages discussing love. And here are my
thoughts he provoked.
I once
wrote on Facebook: “To fall in love with
one person is to fall out of love with everybody else!” This is still
something I truly believe in, even though there have been some comments made in
disagreement that were true, however they missed the point of what I was trying
to say. There are two things I would like to state in the beginning, so there
would not be any misunderstanding or hurt feelings afterwards. There is difference
between “being in love” and “to love”. My friend, psychology
student, told me once that being in love is nothing more than a projection of
ideal self onto a person one is attracted to. At that time, the idealist me was
shocked by that statement, so I reacted the way everyone, that got his world
shook, would. I got defensive. However, I got to realize in the next few minutes,
that he was right. He did not need to persuade me, I knew that already, he just
said it out loud first. I knew that being in love is projection, obsession,
lust, need, attraction, idealization all mixed in one, because I was living it
at that very moment. I accepted reality he showed, shockingly enough, by
knowing what being in love is I understood
what to love is. It is everything
else.
When one is
in love, one focuses all his interest on solely one person. That emotion being
so strong, there is not much left for other people. When strongly in love, one
fails to see other people. One fails to feel them. One feels oneself only. However,
what is happening is, one focuses on that mixture called projection that does
not cover the truth completely. One feels whatever one feels for an untrue
image of a person of interest. Interest,
now that is a good word! That is what “being
in love” should be called. One has an interest in another human being. One is
moved by him, adores him and wants to be with him physically. But more so one
wants to get to know him better. The being
in love stage is necessary for a deeper bondage to be made. And this is the
point where love matters usually get messy. As soon as projections fall and realization
of true character kicks in, disappointments arise and we start to drift apart.
If we weren´t successful in making a deeper connection, there is no other way. We
call a simple interest in a person being in love.
Love on the
other hand is something completely different. And when I talk about love, I talk
about this kind. So if “being in love”
is actually “loving the assumption”
what would then be “loving”? Not
loving the assumption? Which means, loving facts. Which means, being in love
with reality. The way things are, the way people are, the way we are. Because there
is nothing more to us than how we are. The
real you is just you. The way you are. So when we love, we do not love someone
for how he does his job, how he smiles, his humor, body, wealth, how he makes
you feel, …etc, because that kind of love would be a selective one. That would
be like knowing partial truth and sell it as whole Reality. Real love is
wholesome. It is that moment when you love
all of who someone is. It is not even accepting. I thought that wrong whole my
life. It is not even tolerating, because tolerance needs disagreement first in
order to be felt. What one likes, one does not feel the need to accept or
tolerate. One just likes it and that´s it. If you say, I accept you, what you
really say is, I do not like everything about you, but you are a good match, so
I will ignore that and focus on the things I like. Again, selective Love. Sri Sri
says: “Do not accept people the way they
are, do not even tolerate them. Tolerance expresses deep resistance that can
turn into hatred in any second. If you do not love them, you have to accept
them. Do not accept people the way they are. Simply, love them the way they
are.” Accepting is not a step towards love, is the first step away from it.
One does not even need to forgive, because no one makes mistakes. Mistakes are
just lessons and we all need them. We are all human and we need to learn. That is
why we get to know each other. That is why we start relationships. What we
perceive as a mistake is a lesson in itself. And what others perceive as your
mistake is only their expectations made upon you that were not met. That is
their pure ego talk.
I said many
times that relationships are a decision that has to be made. To go from general
Love towards focus for one person only. There
is no right one, however. Surely there are healthier and not so healthy ones. There
are sickened ones, but there is no right one. No one has ever found it. That is
why we are looking for them. Like Spielberg said, when they asked him what a
perfect movie was. He replied: “If we knew, we would stop making them!” Relationships
are defined and perceived, but as long as they function, they are purposeful. If
they weren´t, they would not come to existence in the first place. Love, however,
just is.
My favorite
quote from Sri Sri´s book puts it nicely: “Let
love be. Do not name it. When you do, it becomes a relationship that limits
love. There is love between us. Just let it be. If you name it, for example Brother,
Sister, Mother, Father, Guru, you create relationship. When you enforce love
with relationship, you limit it. What is your relationship to yourself? Are you
your Sister, Brother, Husband, Guru? Let love be. Do not name it.”
We have the
saying “love is blind”. We use it in
context with affection, with being in love. In my opinion, however, it implies
even greater truth about love. Love is not blind only when we are infatuated
with someone, it should be all the time! If we loved blindly, we could start a
relationship with anyone at any given moment, but we mistake love for the
interest and affection of seeing. It is in our nature. That is how we are. Psychologists,
anthropologists and sociologists have lots to say to prove and support that
kind of love. The reproductive one.
My friend
told me few months ago, that he needs time to feel love. Love needs time. Even
years. I totally agree with you, my friend. That kind of love does. The other
kind does not, so I love you.
And there
is that!
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